Filling the Vessel

I feel empty inside.

Just lost. Even though I am safe in my home, my thoughts drag me into the wild where the darkness creeps in and takes hold of nerve endings, twanging them and filling my stomach with dread, brings tears to the surface so that my nose tickles and I blink them away.

Why? Why tears? Why now?

I just came back from a retreat in the mountains of Virginia. 2 nights I spent away from home. Two nights without my family. I called them and my husband and I texted each other. I made some new friends and I was grateful for that. I look forward to next year. It was a powerful retreat and I was grateful for that time to recharge and renew a right spirit within me. I was able to feel blessed, and saved by grace and whole. I am loved by a wonderful God who forgives sins and love everyone.

The emptiness was noticeable when I dragged myself from bed this morning, head butted in the nose by my youngest in her eagerness to give me a hug. Pain wakes you up right away, now doesn't it? My thoughts wandered as I waited for coffee and I remember about reading on twitter last night about the Martin /Zimmerman case. I felt angry and sad. A young person is dead and the person who brought a gun to skittle fight is free, for now. I imagine the Justice Department will look into it and there are those who would whisper about a black president and the liberties he would take for one of his own. Then there are those who cheer this verdict as justifiable use of force. Stand your Ground! The worries of riots and did the jury get it right? The worry that this makes a person who looks like Trayvon to be a target for just simply being.

But when anyone dies at the hands of another, how do we respond as a child of God? God loves everyone. The killer and the murdered. But we as frail, scared humans, want answers. Why does God allow this to happen? Why does the Justice System work this way? Where is the justice for a young man who is dead?

It is hard to find those answers and to trust that God knows what God is doing. It is so hard to not put your own child or brother or sister in its place. A young boy, 7 years old, was killed in the county south of here by someone who fired a celebratory shot in the air on the 4th of July here in Virginia. That person has not been found or come forward. Then there was a woman from Florida who fired a warning shot in to the air and received 20 years in prison for doing so, without anyone perishing that we are aware of. And yet, and yet, a man who definitely killed another person, is going free.

The dissonance in my head from the tragedy and travesty of all that has occurred is too much for my brain to handle right now it seems. I want answers. And I know that all will be revealed in its due time by a God that is loving and merciful... I guess I just have to wait until that time is revealed. The world will still be there tomorrow. The world keeps spinning and the sun rises again. I still feel like I want to hide and cry and scream and sob for this world that is so crazy sometimes. But even more so, I want to be at peace. And I want for people to stop dying at the hands of others. The world needs love more than ever.

I need to be hopeful that there will be many who will work for justice and understanding and love, so that maybe, just maybe, there will be less trouble and killing in the world. Hope. Perhaps that is what will fill this void within me. Hope.

Finding Treasure in a moment of Darkness

SO last night I made cake pops for the first time and it was not difficult, but it was a longish process. I found a great tutorial at divascancook.com If you Google Divas and cake pops and they have a website and a YouTube video.

I bought white chocolate to did them and I was running out. It was 11pm. I was not going to the store. SO to use up this month of may I looked in my cupboard and found... white melting chocolate. SCORE!!!! Mixed it with the last of the white chocolate and boom. Done. If I can get a picture of the cake pops in their final element I will post. It was for a baby shower.

I have decided that Pinterest is great but sometimes it is easier to just serve cake. I like little details, don't get me wrong, but sometimes we can get caught up in the little things and miss out on the big picture.... and yesterday I was getting caught up in the little things and it affected the entire day and stressed me out.

And in the night after all the pops were done and I tried to wind down, playing Candy Crush and Words with Friends, I took a deep breath and realized that I needed to focus on the big picture. I decided to do this because I wanted to co-host a shower for my friend. I would figure out the small things and make it all work out. I made the list mentally of items to do the next day and finally, my brain started to wind down.

Sometimes getting caught up in the trees, we can't see the forest. And we cannot see the log in our own eye. I have been extremely guilty of that... and today is the day to do better. The world needs more optimists.

Using up the Month of May

So I made a decision by accident really.

I was supposed to feed 30 people on May 1st and I forgot about it until April 30th. I had no time to go to the store.

I had 3 pounds of ham, 2 pounds of chicken and various and sundry items that had been squirreled away in my cupboard  and fridge for a while. So I ended up making:

A plate of Ham
Chicken rice casserole (Gluten Free)
Pasta and Sauce
4lbs of Carrots
Avocado, Tomato and Cress Salad

I had gone shopping the last week in April. There were many things on sale. I brought them home and had no place for them in my cupboard and fridge. I did not have room for all of it. That annoyed me

You must understand something. I was brought up by a mom who had to feed three kids. She bought things in bulk. My grandfather's home was always filled with food, even though the 5 children had grown and gone (including my mom) many years earlier. I come by it honestly. If I had to make 3 or four more of these dinners, I could still do it and not go to the store.

So my thought was to use the things I have, make it so I don't have to go to the store. So I plan on making this month a special month wherein I use up all the cake mixes and other "easy use" items that seem to be full of stuff that we shouldn't eat... and I will replace it by the staples that make the base of all the other "easy use" items that have been in my cupboard of late.

So the basics of my kitchen is a 20 cu ft side by side fridge with the freezer stuffed to the gills. Cupboards plus storage in my basement of food. I should be able to do this. One thing I know is I will have to make a concession for milk and eggs. Green leafy veg, which do not keep well (unless you're talking about frozen spinach). And an occasional piece of meat to keep my husband from rioting. But when it comes to carbs and grain, I think we will be OK.

So more on this in the month to come. I will include recipes as well if I can remember to do it.

It Is What It Is - It Is So

Why in the heck is this blog named this way?

Folks in my workplace use this saying, It is what it is.

My husband insists that the correct English for this phrase is.... it is so.

So now I say them both.

So there.