I feel empty inside.
Just lost. Even though I am safe in my home, my thoughts drag me into the wild where the darkness creeps in and takes hold of nerve endings, twanging them and filling my stomach with dread, brings tears to the surface so that my nose tickles and I blink them away.
Why? Why tears? Why now?
I just came back from a retreat in the mountains of Virginia. 2 nights I spent away from home. Two nights without my family. I called them and my husband and I texted each other. I made some new friends and I was grateful for that. I look forward to next year. It was a powerful retreat and I was grateful for that time to recharge and renew a right spirit within me. I was able to feel blessed, and saved by grace and whole. I am loved by a wonderful God who forgives sins and love everyone.
The emptiness was noticeable when I dragged myself from bed this morning, head butted in the nose by my youngest in her eagerness to give me a hug. Pain wakes you up right away, now doesn't it? My thoughts wandered as I waited for coffee and I remember about reading on twitter last night about the Martin /Zimmerman case. I felt angry and sad. A young person is dead and the person who brought a gun to skittle fight is free, for now. I imagine the Justice Department will look into it and there are those who would whisper about a black president and the liberties he would take for one of his own. Then there are those who cheer this verdict as justifiable use of force. Stand your Ground! The worries of riots and did the jury get it right? The worry that this makes a person who looks like Trayvon to be a target for just simply being.
But when anyone dies at the hands of another, how do we respond as a child of God? God loves everyone. The killer and the murdered. But we as frail, scared humans, want answers. Why does God allow this to happen? Why does the Justice System work this way? Where is the justice for a young man who is dead?
It is hard to find those answers and to trust that God knows what God is doing. It is so hard to not put your own child or brother or sister in its place. A young boy, 7 years old, was killed in the county south of here by someone who fired a celebratory shot in the air on the 4th of July here in Virginia. That person has not been found or come forward. Then there was a woman from Florida who fired a warning shot in to the air and received 20 years in prison for doing so, without anyone perishing that we are aware of. And yet, and yet, a man who definitely killed another person, is going free.
The dissonance in my head from the tragedy and travesty of all that has occurred is too much for my brain to handle right now it seems. I want answers. And I know that all will be revealed in its due time by a God that is loving and merciful... I guess I just have to wait until that time is revealed. The world will still be there tomorrow. The world keeps spinning and the sun rises again. I still feel like I want to hide and cry and scream and sob for this world that is so crazy sometimes. But even more so, I want to be at peace. And I want for people to stop dying at the hands of others. The world needs love more than ever.
I need to be hopeful that there will be many who will work for justice and understanding and love, so that maybe, just maybe, there will be less trouble and killing in the world. Hope. Perhaps that is what will fill this void within me. Hope.
Just lost. Even though I am safe in my home, my thoughts drag me into the wild where the darkness creeps in and takes hold of nerve endings, twanging them and filling my stomach with dread, brings tears to the surface so that my nose tickles and I blink them away.
Why? Why tears? Why now?
I just came back from a retreat in the mountains of Virginia. 2 nights I spent away from home. Two nights without my family. I called them and my husband and I texted each other. I made some new friends and I was grateful for that. I look forward to next year. It was a powerful retreat and I was grateful for that time to recharge and renew a right spirit within me. I was able to feel blessed, and saved by grace and whole. I am loved by a wonderful God who forgives sins and love everyone.
The emptiness was noticeable when I dragged myself from bed this morning, head butted in the nose by my youngest in her eagerness to give me a hug. Pain wakes you up right away, now doesn't it? My thoughts wandered as I waited for coffee and I remember about reading on twitter last night about the Martin /Zimmerman case. I felt angry and sad. A young person is dead and the person who brought a gun to skittle fight is free, for now. I imagine the Justice Department will look into it and there are those who would whisper about a black president and the liberties he would take for one of his own. Then there are those who cheer this verdict as justifiable use of force. Stand your Ground! The worries of riots and did the jury get it right? The worry that this makes a person who looks like Trayvon to be a target for just simply being.
But when anyone dies at the hands of another, how do we respond as a child of God? God loves everyone. The killer and the murdered. But we as frail, scared humans, want answers. Why does God allow this to happen? Why does the Justice System work this way? Where is the justice for a young man who is dead?
It is hard to find those answers and to trust that God knows what God is doing. It is so hard to not put your own child or brother or sister in its place. A young boy, 7 years old, was killed in the county south of here by someone who fired a celebratory shot in the air on the 4th of July here in Virginia. That person has not been found or come forward. Then there was a woman from Florida who fired a warning shot in to the air and received 20 years in prison for doing so, without anyone perishing that we are aware of. And yet, and yet, a man who definitely killed another person, is going free.
The dissonance in my head from the tragedy and travesty of all that has occurred is too much for my brain to handle right now it seems. I want answers. And I know that all will be revealed in its due time by a God that is loving and merciful... I guess I just have to wait until that time is revealed. The world will still be there tomorrow. The world keeps spinning and the sun rises again. I still feel like I want to hide and cry and scream and sob for this world that is so crazy sometimes. But even more so, I want to be at peace. And I want for people to stop dying at the hands of others. The world needs love more than ever.
I need to be hopeful that there will be many who will work for justice and understanding and love, so that maybe, just maybe, there will be less trouble and killing in the world. Hope. Perhaps that is what will fill this void within me. Hope.
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